The Aftermath

I felt my blood rush out of my body. I felt cold, numb and shocked. Didn't even know how I managed not to pass out.

Breath in. Breath out.

It didn't sunk in yet for the next few hours. Convincing myself that it was all a dream. That I will wake up from this. That it was all a prank or something in between. Sleep didn't bothered to visit me for quite some time - and to be honest I didn't bother trying.

I was grasping for air - forgot to breath nor think. Trying to understand - what, how, why... And then the buts... - but we were fine, but we were okay. Failed to understand. Failed to answer questions.

Fvck.

Yes.

Fvck.

Breath in. Breath out.

Days after. I told myself I will be fine. That it's normal. That it happens once in a while in one out of five - most probably. Maybe.

Still confused on what to answer to all the whys wrapping all around my head. I felt like I want to crawl inside of my brain and find answers and solution to all the things that left me all hanging.

Fvck.

No.

Fvck.

Breath in. Breath out.

Weeks after, tears come once in a while. Loneliness struck me like a lightning striking and old tree. It left me burning and dying. Acceptance is lurking somewhere but then there are still questions.

Why me?

Why?

But why?

Questions that will never be answered.

Questions that I will forever learn to live with.

Fvck.

Will I ever get over?

Will I ever accept the fact that this is my fate?

Will hurt be something I will get used to?

Fvck.

Breath in. Breath out.