I've had enough of you saying:

“Are you tired with your life?”

“Are you angry?”

“Are you upset?”

“Can you at least give me a smile?”

I’ve heard it so many times I have lost count of it. It’s so tiring explaining to each and one of you that 

(1) “I am not tired with my life.” 

(2) “No, I am definitely not angry.” 

(3) “No, not upset even the slightest”. 

And

(4) “Why? Do you even deserve a smile?”

Usually, I get these kinds of comments from the opposite sex. I mean, does it even harm them that I am not smiling? Dude, this is my resting face. This is my face. This is not me angry or tired. This is not me upset or sad. This is not me bored or grumpy. This is just how my face looks. Not because you don’t see me smiling or what nots, you’d automatically assume that I am this and that.

Look at you when you’re wearing your resting face. You look like an absolute idiot. But damn dude, did I ever tell you to smile – did I ever force you to smile? NO! Because, I understand that people have their resting faces and they wear it every single time of their entire life.

*A once upon a time rant for a once upon a time boss from a once upon a time job

Finally, I have admitted it to myself that maybe when there are times that I don’t understand why I am feeling the way that I am feeling is not because I am so stressed or I am in those ‘one’ of the moods as what my friends call it. Maybe because it’s my anxiety is what it is. Maybe it is not because I am an introvert because I know, for sure, that introversion is not equal to anxiety.

While I am writing this piece, I am in the middle of those days when my anxiety plagues the insides of me. Maybe the digestion problem I have been having in the past few days isn’t because I ate too much or I didn’t eat on time. Maybe it’s because I try too hard to hold it in - the extreme irritability that I try not to get the best of me because I don’t want to ruin anything.

In these kinds of days, my boyfriend and I always end up in a misunderstanding. He still doesn’t get and understand me and he isn’t used to having someone who suffers anxiety like me. Maybe, he is slightly overwhelmed by my sudden irritability, my sudden change of moods, my sudden urge to drive him away. His response is usually letting me be and before it gets into him and before he gets mad at me, he keeps quiet and doesn’t talk. And that is the start of how hard it is to get back to him.

These are the things I must say to you and I hope we’ll be in this together – to help me, to make me better on my worst days, to make you stronger when I am in my weakest…

1. I know that this is not what you signed up for. I hope you won’t leave me if I am having a tough time fighting it.

2. I am opening myself to you. Please don’t be afraid of me – of my rough days and the rougher ones, too.

3. I am only sharing this to you because I know that you will understand me and you won’t think that my mental health issues will defeat me.

4. Know that there are times I feel like I shouldn't be alive. But believe me when I say it never lead me to harming myself.

5. It’s hard to explain why I feel the way I feel in certain days but know that on these days, I need hugs. The tight ones – the ones that will make me feel I am loved and the ones that will ease the hardship away.

6. Staying away from me is the hardest thing but if it makes you feel better, I would give it to you.

7. If I stay silent one of these days, please don’t get irritated. Please be my comfort amid the silence.

8. Please don’t tell me to snap out of it. It’s hard already. Please don’t make it harder.

9. Know that I always think that I am not worth loving. A kiss and a hug or maybe a smile from you in my rough days will make it slightly better.

10. And please know and believe that I am trying my very very best to fight those days when I am at my weakest.

Loving you is easy. Loving me is hard. If everything is terrifying for you, please know that after all the rough days, I am going to love you harder, kiss you deeper, hug you tighter and dream with you higher.

Always to Remember

After refusing to fight for the Confederacy, Clayton was spurned by everyone in his hometown of Cedar Grove. To Meg, who lost her husbands and brothers in the war, Clay's presence was a constant offense. As punishment, Meg commissioned Clay to create a memorial for the town's war heroes. But as she spent months watching him, Meg's feelings began to change.

This is probably the one book that I have read that I've had tears from start to finish. My heart goes to Clay. I love his belief in war and his love for his fellowmen. He's too good to be true, right? But honestly, we could be someone like him if we just try it.
Historical romances always leave me in awe. It has been a long time since I have read one. This genre is ought to be praised. It's beautiful.

Dear,

I am best known for my mood swings. There are times that I am so happy and then there are times that I am so down nothing can even stop me. In one minute, I can go from happy to angry to sad to an 'I-don't-f*cking-care' attitude. It kills me to not even understand myself. I feel like I belong in a mental institution because of the way I think and the way I feel about certain things. Sometimes, I talk to myself. I scold me. I get angry at me for feeling and thinking this way. There are times that I want to destroy something good and perfect that is happening to me. And when realization struck, I want to rewind everything back. It's such a shame why I feel the way I feel sometimes. There's this one good thing that I know it's meant for me and yet here I am making a mess out of it.

I am so restless right now. I did something real unnecessary today. It was so nonsense. But then, I feel contentment after what happened. I am just waiting for the cloud in my mind to fade so that I can fix what I did wrong. Hopefully, the fixing is going to be easy. Hopefully, me always fixing what I broke would always be easy. Hopefully, what I am fixing will always be worth fixing.

These are the types of morning that I want to eliminate forever. The mornings when I just wake up grumpy and down. The mornings when I just want to fight with everyone. The mornings when I just want more attention than anything, making up things to justify my grumpiness when I just want MORE than the usual. The mornings when I put the best thing I have right now in the brink of breaking.

Yes. I am probably f*cked up. Maybe, it's a girl thing. Maybe it's not. Maybe because I am that sort of a person. Or maybe I am just so messed up.

Sincerely,

Anonymous

The Sea of Tranquility

Former piano prodigy Nastya Kashnikov wants two things: to get through high school without anyone learning about her past and to make the boy who took everything from her—her identity, her spirit, her will to live—pay.

Josh Bennett’s story is no secret: every person he loves has been taken from his life until, at seventeen years old, there is no one left. Now all he wants is be left alone and people allow it because when your name is synonymous with death, everyone tends to give you your space.

Everyone except Nastya, the mysterious new girl at school who starts showing up and won’t go away until she’s insinuated herself into every aspect of his life. But the more he gets to know her, the more of an enigma she becomes. As their relationship intensifies and the unanswered questions begin to pile up, he starts to wonder if he will ever learn the secrets she’s been hiding—or if he even wants to.

The Sea of Tranquility is a rich, intense, and brilliantly imagined story about a lonely boy, an emotionally fragile girl, and the miracle of second chances.

I've stumbled in one article out there somewhere in the vast wideness of the internet about thinking about your life goals. I thought, hey, maybe I should make one since I haven't really laid out what my life goals are. I mean, I am not getting any younger and I haven't had one concrete goal yet. Maybe, it's time to have some. It was stated in that article some steps on how to list down, prioritize and accomplish these life goals.

Well, maybe I should think about doing a list of it or maybe reflecting on it, first... I should start reflecting, doesn't it? Because if I write it down, I might get stressed out. Knowing me, I'll just worry and think and stress about it and end up not accomplishing even one of it. Yep, I know myself too much to say that. Reflecting, like, maybe this goal isn't what I need in life or what I want, maybe this goal is for the satisfaction of other people or for the satisfaction of the people in the social media. We are all somewhat like that, aren't we?


As per the article, it was stated that I should be thinking what I like the people who will be attending my funeral to say. Pretty futuristic, no? It's not that I am not quite ready for this but if it's my time, then it's my time. It also said that I should imagine that I am at the end of my life. So I should be thinking on what I have accomplished and I should be thinking that if that's the life I am going to be proud of. Like, is this the kind of person and life I want? Something like that, maybe...

Well, it would be nice if people at my funeral will say that I am a good person, a loyal friend and a responsible and compassionate human being. It's nothing much but I feel better knowing that they will be telling that much about me. I am not quite comfortable about people talking about how much money I have left, how many houses I have some where... something like that...

After that, it was written there to jot down ideas on what I would like to achieve before I die. Well, there are some short ranged goals and long ranged goals...is that what they call it? I have more, actually. Build a house for my mom, help at least one kid to finish studies, have my own business, have a home for stray dogs and cats, live in the country side...blah, blah.. so on and so forth... (insert the biggest of dreams) After that, trim it, plan on actually doing it and make a life you'd think you want people to talk about you on your funeral.

Two things. It was easy and hard at the same time. It was easy to jot down the many goals you want to achieve in life and it was hard to trim it down and make some action about it. As of now, I am pretty sure I've achieved some in my life. I haven't jotted down before so I am not quite sure how much of it I have achieved already. But one thing for sure, I am contented with what I have right now. Guess that would count as a life goal, isn't it? Contentment.